Missing days

I know it's been a few days since I have posted or done an exercise... I actually did do one but it was at work with a bad connection and was erased; just haven't had the time to redo it yet. Don't worry, my absence should not be of concern and I am still sober. I have now been sober for 17 days which means I am mostly, if not almost completely, finished with my detox but that was the easy part. One of the most popular sayings in AA is that it's easier to get sober then it is to stay sober and that's 100% true because the cravings will start and the obsessive thinking will come. I don't know any true alcoholic or addict that doesn't think about their addiction or is tempted by it everyday. From when I was 17 up until 17 days ago, I chose alcohol before everything else and old behaviors are hard to change.

Tomorrow is my orientation for my practicum site for my masters in marriage and family therapy. I don't know if I'm excited. I think I'm emotional just because of where I'm at in my life right now and that there's a lot of changes happening and a lot of stress. The last time I was there for paperwork I was offended by the main counselor of the facility who had asked me if I was spoiled as a child and, because I was, I must have had a very good life. That I still have a good life and he seemed proud of himself for coming to this revelation about me.

Not to say my life is terrible but anyone who really knows me, knows about my past or knows about my struggle knows that my life has not been easy regardless of how many material possessions I had.

I was still in my two weeks at that time and I remember getting so internally angry and thinking... this guy really thinks he knows me? That because I come off as shy, because I was wearing girly scrubs and because I'm a pretty female that life is just great? If only he knew how deceptive looks can really be and of he can be so wrong or think so broadly about a person, is this who I want to learn from? It irritated me to the point where I just pulled away and went back into this state of just functioning and getting through the day with a fake smile and then breaking down at home.

When I'm sober, the other issues I have become bigger. It's more noticable that I don't sleep or when I stop eating or when I eat more but purge all day long. It's obvious that I'm depressed and anxious and can't control my anger. The pain I have as a person comes through without the drunk idiot behind it and that makes it more real and honest in a way that I'm struggling.

I never intended to go this far in school or to become a therapist; I went back to school to learn more about myself and my issues and also, because at that time, my drinking had driven me to a point where I couldn't work and there was nothing else to do. I only continued when I started to think that if I could ever get over all of this, maybe I could help someone else. As an alcoholic or as someone with eating disorders, I would much rather talk to a professional who has been there personally rather than someone who only knows about those things from reading a textbook. You can tell when it's genuine and when it's learned. Hopefully this is the start of a different me and of a different life then where I've been headed. Maybe I will contribute in someway or at least maybe I'll just heal myself. It's about time and determination and honesty. I've never been this honest about these things and just put it all out there before. Let's see if accountability pushes me to be a better version of myself.