Unable to Sleep

So the last day I drank was the 19th. I was off from work that day so I thought it would be a good idea to finish off the half bottle of vodka that I had left over from the night before. I had no intention of stopping and every intention of going out later to buy more but I had forgotten that I had made a deal with my mom that if she went with me to the hospital (because no one goes with me to the hospital anymore) that I would detox. She picked me up about 9:30 pm; I didn't want to go of course; but I did go and twenty four hours later I was discharged and sober. The next day I went to work feeling like crap but I made it through the day and did a a double and did a double the next day to. I don't feel well but I'm pushing through and as scared as I am to relapse again, there's a really big part of me that's done. I'm tired of doing poorly at school and poorly at work and ruining my relationships with my family and my husband whose only opinion of me is that I'm a drunk that will fuck up everything eventually just like I have in the past.

I want to get better despite what everyone thinks. I don't want to drink anymore and I don't like what it does to me or my life anymore. To be honest, it's really only for the first day when I get that warm fuzzy feeling in my chest and the anxiety goes away and everything feels like it's going to be alright. But from there, it's all downhill but with no way to stop it and I want to stop it. I cry just thinking about how hard it is and how much it hurts; how guilty I feel and how I just want to make it right. I still haven't slept but I have to go to school and try to do well. I had a meeting with a practicum site today that seemed excited for me to be there and all I kept thinking about was how much I don't want to ruin it